I know its been forever since I've updated this blog and then to come back with a rant isnt really fair for all of you, but I really gotta get this off of my chest.
If I was new to relationships, with no previous experiences or examples of them, I would honestly be turned off of relationships after seeing how a couple of my friends did things in theirs. I love being his friend and I love being her friend, but really really dont like being "THEIR" friend.
Apart from each other, they're such amazing people, loving, caring, respectful, and considerate. People I would trust my life with. But some how, the moment they get close, no one else exists and those that do enter their world is an immediate threat to their "utopia".
I love them so much and really do want to see this relationship work, but right now the way it seems to be going, I hate it (the relationship). Every time I think about it, I feel like I'm groping around in a murky pond with a film of selfishness (or non-selflessness).
I'm not saying that I know how a relationship should go. I mean I have an idea how I want mine to work, but no matter how I think about it or look at it, I get this feeling that something needs to change. Let me correct myself, I KNOW that something needs to change or stop. I've been on a road very similar to this one and know whats at the end of the road.
There seems to be alot of fear on his part (I spend more time with him than her) that this perfect girl will be ripped from his hands. Of course its hard to see through the disguises and mask. Any time there was a threat of change, removal, or end, it felt like 300 foot walls were put up 100 thick.
I hate seeing this! The anxiety, fear, pain. I hate that I may have to be the bad guy to my very good friends. I know that apart from the tangled web of this relationship they both care for me and respect me very much and wouldn't hate me forever. However, its the initial feelings I'm afraid of. As much as I try not to put any currency on what others think of me and how much they like me, Its so hard to love someone so much that they push you away. All I can do otherwise is pray my heart out to my Saviour and let him take it.
"Him" and "Her", if you guys do happen to read this and know who I'm talking about, I'm very sorry you guys had to find out about how I feel this way. I assure you that I have no slanderous intent and I have been fully honest in everything. I do love you guys.
I'm so sorry if this is disjointed and confusing, I had to take a cool down period before I wrote this and so I'm trying to remember, organize and feel everything and put it all in this horridly inadequate human language.
In Christ's Love,
Dan
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